Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Struggle Between What I Want and What I Want

I'm selfish and I know it. Isn't that the fallen nature of mankind - to be selfish and self-centered and to always want what we want? My problem is my struggle between what I want in the flesh and what I want as a follower of Jesus. And, truly, I want to be a follower of Jesus and I want that to be the thing I want most. But it's not near enough of the time.

The thing that's most pronounced in my life right now is this house I'm dreaming of in the country. I'm all about Pinterest and pinning my hopes and dream rooms all on my board I've titled "For Our House in the Country." My spare moments are spent looking at floor plans and the website my sister-in-law, Ginger,  turned me onto, houzz.com.

But I want to be thinking about Jesus and how to live like Him. I want to be thinking about how to advance His Kingdom, build His Kingdom not about building a house in the country.

I want a big house with wood trim around every door and window and plenty of room for my future grandchildren to come and play. I want marble countertops, wood floors, and every new gadget that lets you lock your doors & adjust your thermostats from your iPad.

But I really want to feed hungry people, to have more money to give so that someone will hear the gospel message and be saved. I want to have room in my budget so I can go on mission and share Life and Light with others. I want to support my relatives and friends who are living on the mission field and have given so much more than I have.

I want life to be easy and comfortable and on my timetable. I want my current house to sell for my asking price. I want my kids and my husband to be healthy and happy and healing for that thing that I've asked about so many times.

But I want to know what it's like to live dependent on the one who holds time in His hands and, really, to whom time doesn't matter. I want to know what's like to rejoice and be thankful in everything. I want to know with every fiber of my being that whatever I'm going through now is being worked for good. That not one struggle or moment is ever wasted. I want to live with eternity in mind and not just the things that are going on around me right now.

I really want to live like I believe heaven is real and it's the dessert, the icing on the cake. I want that thought to be the first when I wake up and when I lay my head down at night. I want to remember that people are suffering and are being persecuted for the things I take for granted. And, as a result of remembering, live to make a difference. Not focusing so much on my current abode and that future place in the country but that future place where I'll live forever.

This struggle, this desire to have what I want and what I want is daily. Really, I want it all. I want both. I want to have what I want and I want to have what God wants for me. So, I'll keep praying about that until what I want becomes what He wants, until my heartbeat is for His. Until the things that I want in the flesh don't matter near as much as the things that matter to Him. Until easy and comfortable doesn't matter near as much as obedience. Until bringing God glory is the thing I want most of all.

Serving the King,


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